Friday, January 21, 2011

The Freedom to Choose

World Peace Yoga Conference ~ Cincinnati ~ October 2010
Seeing this photo of my happy, radiant self on Facebook this week changed my world!

I have been in a funk most of the past few months.  Looking back, I can see that it started late in the Summer when my stepfather had a stroke.  At the time,  I rallied and went into adrenaline mode.  I was calm, cool, and collected.  That lasted for almost a month.

As the situation wore on and he eventually ended up in a nursing home ~ and summer turned to Fall ~ the grief settled into my being.  It was what I have come to call sneaky grief ~ meaning that, on the surface, everything seems fine, but it really isn't.

I went through the motions of daily living.  I enjoyed life as usual.  Only there was a heaviness that would not leave.

Grief has a way of hanging around.  It brings with it many losses from the past, too.   (WHY is this?) Ugh.

September and October were TOUGH.   November saw me feeling better and more hopeful. Then December came and it was ARDUOUS.  The first couple of weeks of January haven't been much easier.

I have been sidelined by grief ~ and the physical/emotional/spiritual toll cannot be ignored.  (Part of my need for so much rest lately, I believe.)

Through the process of allowing myself to be broken open during these past several months, I am mourning OLD losses (back to high school, really)...My father, other relatives, jobs, lovers, friends, our cats, dreams, unpleasant and hurtful realities, the many versions of how I thought my life would/should/could be...all things that were (apparently) not sufficiently dealt with at the time (For decades, I was a superstar at repressing emotions and just moving on).

Anyway, I'll skip the other details for now, as this was not my original intent for this post.

Fast forward to this past Wednesday ~ the Full Moon.  I had been feeling *really* anxious for a couple of days before it and was quite unsettled about that.  I ate a hardy breakfast and took a nap before going to work.  Then, in the afternoon, things shifted.  *Really shifted.*

I had an epiphany moment.

I want to ~ am ready to ~ be happy.  HAPPY.  HAPPY!

I thought of Bliss Chick and Marcy ~ and their recent losses and struggles.  If there are any two people I know who are great examples of choosing happiness in the midst of pain, it is these awesome women.  Their Lilypad truly is a...

It was almost like an infusion of wisdom came over me.  (In part, hearing my own words as I uttered them to a client this past week, "You know, you don't have to FEEL happy to BE happy.")

I realized I was FREE to CHOOSE happiness.   And not in some Band-Aid, pretend, count your blessings, trite, look-on-the-bright-side, unreal way.

No, this was a deliriously-in-love-with-life-no-matter-what kind of happy!  

And I recalled a book that other bloggers had worked through last year, The Happy Book.  And I went in search of it that very evening.

I found this instead:  The Happiness Project.  It immediately caught my attention.  I read through a few pages and *knew* it was my next book companion.  Today, I picked it up from the library. :-)

The good juju shift that happened on Wednesday (THANK YOU, Universe!) seems to be sticking around.    I'll be riding this wave for all it's worth, believe me.

I sense that, by dedicating myself to authenticity and healing, I have worked through yet another long round of necessary 'stuff' in order to arrive at this moment.  It is a glorious place to be....HAPPY.

Let the frivolity begin!


  1. Yay for you, Lisa. I am glad that the juju and mojo have changed in your heart and life this week. That full moon was a beauty, wasn't it? Reminded me of the cycles of life, of the way that darkness does fade and light returns. Every single month. Every week. Every day. It is a wonderful thing to be reminded of that on a wednesday night in the middle of a cold month.

    All shall be well.
    No, wait.
    All IS well right here, right now.
    You are enough!!!

  2. Lisa, you cannot possibly know the utter synchronicty of the timing of this post. I was feeling SO BADLY and then to read this little bit about Marcy and me. THANK. YOU.